Maybe I should get out of my life, to make sense of it. Many of the things I once thought about have become too big or too small to handle.
After all, trying to make sense of everything, trying to keep everything together, we end up collapsing.
I feel a little sorry, especially for myself, for some things I have done, for some things I have not been able to understand before.
Today I know how many wrong people I had filled my life with, I know that my lack of self-esteem had names, surnames of people who are unable to be friends.
I always say that “the fault is always mine”, underlining how easy it is to blame myself, since I am a good, calm person, and who often rationalizes and says: “It is not worth it”.
Maybe I’m wrong not to make a serious reaction, but there is my conscience that blocks me, every time I have the instinct to do something, and it is a conscience that is simply fed up, and prefers to make people believe what it is. it seems, because it doesn’t matter what I say, what I do, ideas don’t change, like some people.
I complain, but then I fall asleep, and soon, a lot of things won’t really touch me anymore. Maybe, this means growing up, maybe this was the famous: “I expected it to be more cynical”.
For a long time I have thought that I would like to leave, rather than from the place I should go away from this life, and go and live another one.
It’s not that simple anymore, but one day I will really do it, I know, luckily, what will save me.
After all, one cannot think of always having the same company in life, perhaps I will die with a few around me, but so it is for everyone, and I am for a few.
I remember sometimes they asked me how many people we expect to come to our funeral, and I spent some time thinking that would be enough.
Today I would reply: “who cares? After all, you don’t live for our funeral, do you? “
And who cares that they are not sad, I will be sad anyway, or maybe I will be happy, when there won’t be many, I don’t know. The fact is that these are speeches that leave the time they find.
Basically it went like this, and I, day after day, I’m just having bitter confirmations of my ideas, and to have done well to make certain choices.
It’s all new to me, I don’t really know how to move now.
I’m recovering from great ailments, but I still don’t fully understand them and it’s all so damn slow.
But I know that I need this slowness, so that I can understand everything, without being in a hurry to go straight to the next step, I mean the “bigger” one. Because by understanding the steps taken, everyone, I will be able to prevent other falls.
I need this slowness, I want it, even if it bothers me, even if they told me and they tell me not to think about the past, about what hurts, I immerse myself in it often, because I need to understand why it hurts, and how avoid stopping suffering the same way, and then finally have some happiness at last.
Yes, indeed, maybe I should go away from my life, because I’m too into it.